Love Conquers...

There are times in our lives when love does conquer all… exhaustion, sleep deprivation; anything! And there are times in our lives when love brings nothing but pain. We are always looking to ease the pain. Sometimes we ease the pain by making with the best that we have, sometimes it’s by losing ourselves in the moment and sometimes to ease the pain all we need to do is call truce.

I hope this post could have ended on that thought-.. Its always has been complicated with me :)

I realise the meaning of love has changed from when I have known love. Its no more a feeling its about compatibility, compromises, responsibilities, owning, witnessing, financial, etc.. Among my siblings I was known to be the least attached to anything and anyone.. cause I always felt that love should be a package and hence I was always would  say " i love Bangalore" -- which would mean that I love my family, friends, streets, my school, the tress, temples, etc.

I always dreamt of love being the same no matter what happens .. unconditional . I now know that such a thing exists for a new born for the first few years of their lives...

Stairway to Heaven

I see that every person that I know has a shadow- a dark cloud , a fear that follows even the best of us. Like the song "stairway to heaven" - I feel each person is trying to buy their stairway to heaven. The most common of all is "its work and not personal" " perception is..." "its a feedback..."  'if I were you..."

Fear sometimes is good, fear of losing someone/something, fear of god, fear of being in a situation, its good. Its good as its preparing you for that situation somehow.

I am not a part of the game that people are wanting me to play. I remember writing and pushing myself to play hard no matter what - now it doesn't matter. I am sure for some its calling it  quits being a loser,etc . I wouldn't play a game that I can't tell. My Dad is a firm believer of truth and that's how I got my name. I always believed that the truth never hides at some stage sooner or later it comes back. So I am wondering for all those people who play dirty what do they tell their little ones and their admirers. How do they sleep at night?  Are we all not at that age where we all know that the truth never hides ?

So much for thinking what the others do :) I believe that you can't buy your stairway to heaven with a few good deeds. I believe in Heaven. I also believe in Hell. I haven't seen either of the two but I am sure the belief keeps me in line.

Top of Your Game ?

I always felt that Managers (the good ones) are complacent people. We don’t put our feet up... we don’t sit still, whatever the game is...we like to win…and once we win …. we are in the Game!

Work is always busy, I have overcome some really depressing pieces and feel joy on my achievement. I never come home with a clean desk ;my to do list seems never ending. Still I am up for the next big thing ---- "bring it on " is what I say to myself. I don't have time for facebook, twitter or anything that requires my commitment. I winge half the time - which I realise is my stress-buster :)


With my love for road-trips to the mountains here's an analogy that you might relate to :

They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain; they are smiling, ecstatic, triumphed. They don’t take pictures along the way because who wants to remember the rest of it. We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it.

The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level... nobody takes pictures of that... nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top, breath taking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain --- that’s the crazy part. …Its worth anything!!!

As a treat to myself and the reader here's something that helps :

"...make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."
— Jon Krakauer (Into the Wild)

My Love

Its that time of the year when people who love the mountains make their trips. My heart aches with the thought that I can't. I am sure as a reader of my blog you would not understand this pain. You can't be me and hence I want you to associate this with a thought if you knew the one thing that you absolutely loved is no more going to happen ...........

The mountains are beautiful .. no matter what weather - it puts on a great show for you i.e. from beaming sun, greenery, dustful, snow capped, rains, its elegant and mysterious in its own ways. Its calmness and strength inspire me and are calling me. The wind on my face is equivalent to a lover's kiss. The smell around is pure as innocence.

I met Uncle Dilip (Age of 60+ a retired heart surgeon with excellent photography skills) today - who is going to leave for 3 month trek next week. I am guessing I have to blame him to strike this pain. His excitement and joy gets me to write this post and pen down my feelings of not able to go.I know Birdman  (Met him last year on our trip - professional photographer of Birds especially ) is on his trip and I also know that several bikers and adventurers are on their way.

I wonder sometimes if I should quit and just go.. just go and  pursue my dream..
Bubble bursts ..and I have a job, bills to pay, responsibilities... I will have to work twice as hard to ensure I have lots of money to pursue my dream.. I am inspired with the thought of going next year and hence would work to get a BIG FAT BONUS to go to the mountains.. I love the mountains.. I love the mountains...

Trusting

I wouldn’t trust anyone to drive a car as good and safe as Dave, I wouldn’t trust anyone when it came to converting me into a non-vegetarian. Irony is trust is hard to achieve, because from day one you have been trained not to trust anyone but ourselves. I am sure if I knew how to drive a car I would trust myself more than Dave.The only skills you can count on are your own. Until one day when you leave your world and step into the real world you are surrounded by others. A team that you have to rely on but do you trust them?

I want to go away I don’t want to disappoint the people I love anymore. Dave says I am better than this (failure), he says I have been better than this. Dave wants me to get better be the person he knew I was. Be me!

What I think I should do to win, what I need to do to beat them is to stop fighting them. I need to be me…. I need to be me.

I don’t expect to win their (work, friends, home...) trust overnight which is why I am here saying they have mine. I apologise to push back on their help!

This is me making my comeback honouring the effort of my sister helping through my science, the belief my brother had in me, the unconditional love from my Mom, the pride that my Dad has in the values he has given me, Gaurav’s words of encouragement and strength as a friend, honouring the commitment, love, care and most of all non-stop believing in me, standing beside me - my husband.

(Its a beautiful morning sun, its beautiful as the feeling in my mind- It depicts the new me!)

Its Over!

We assume the very serious changes in our life happen slowly, over time. But it is not true. The big stuff happens in an instant.

I am constantly been told to manage perceptions. Well, I have changed overtime and don’t care about who thinks what. People are ambitious and lazy enough to buy another person’s perception – Deadly combo for not growing at all.


It might sound cruel, against all odds and against commonsense -everyone is for themselves. Yes, of course, you have your partner as close to you as your soul but what about people at work, friends, family, etc. Every one is in it for the kill.


Sometimes you don’t even know anything has changed, you think you are still you and your life is still your life. But you wake up one day and look around and you don’t recognise anything, not anything at all.


I keep telling myself there is no problem- If there is no problem then why can’t I just say it? I wait to heal, I wait, I wait and wait .. it’s the healing process..


We are all the same…


It hasn’t been easy around here and I feel like I am climbing a mountain with a burden on my back. I fail to take a few steps ahead, infact I have moved backwards, the burden seems be getting heavier with every effort I make. I feel like something is dying inside me.. I think its hope, its my zeal…

Its over its all over…

New Past!

One of statuses in facebook brings me to write this post. The status said something on lines of “its best to let the past be in the mind… slowly allow it to fade away rather then pen it down”



Further from viewing of Greys -I understand that we live in world of constant progress and forward motion, stand still for a second and you will be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting it is to never look back – the past always comes back to bite us in the ass!



I don’t forgive and forget very easily. There is always something new that takes over your life that changes that feeling. Few months back (recent past) I was dreading this place, today I don’t want to let go. Today I want the present to stay the way it is in the future. I am not naïve and know that things would change; it would change without my will; so I am going live this present so that when it becomes a past - it’s a memory that I would cherish not just another day that I would not remember.

Sometimes the past does something that you just can’t let go off. And sometimes the past is - "will do anything to forget" And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.